Some Things Are Just Innate
I titled this space “Picking Crowns” to remind myself of what this stage of life is meant to be. It’s a part of a James Baldwin quote that has resonated with me since the moment I first heard it: “Your crown has been bought and paid for. All you must do is put it on.” If my life had a defining, new-age proverb it would be that quote.
I’ve been trying, painfully, to define who I’m becoming. A lot of that has been happening without much effort; I’ve just naturally ebbed and flowed into the Nadia that’s writing this today. Other becomings have been less natural, not necessarily forced but definitely requiring a concerted effort in a particular direction. In an attempt to detail myself and this trajectory I’ve been trying to shape through myriad setbacks and achievements, I’ve had to define myself in opposition to many ideas, dreams, and ambitions I had always thought I would align myself with.
To break with those ideas, dreams, and ambitions has required me to start a lot of work on myself. Parting with the notions I had of my personhood, of where I’d be today, or of what I’ll be doing a year from now has pushed me farther than I’d expected and into some realizations that have and will continue to necessitate change. For example, thus far the most damning, life-altering understanding I’ve come to is that I’m not the best and I’m not even anywhere close to it. The problem with this, quite plainly, is that I love being the best. I thrive off of knowing I’m the first, the most successful, and definitively correct – but I’m just not. This expectation was much more attainable in high school, but since coming to Cornell my being a small fish in a very large pond has become overwhelmingly apparent. Over the past two and a half years, I haven’t been the best at getting good grades, or interviewing for internships, or maintaining relationships. Not being the best in those areas, and others, has often left me feeling like a failure and without any direction. Mentally I can understand that that’s stupid, it’s unreasonable to expect to be the best in all things at all times – but I did anyway. Emotionally, that’s what I required in order to maintain the high opinion I had of myself, and honestly, I still do.
That’s unrealistic, though, and I know that I’m going to have to let go of that perfectly scripted life I wrote for myself and which I let others heavily edit. I’m hoping to redefine, revise, and pick up my crown. The liberating understanding I still have yet to fully grasp is that maybe this crown won’t look or feel the way I imagined it would, or maybe it still will and I’ll just have to take a couple more turns and write a few more lines before I can place it on my head. I think coming to that understanding will be a matter of realizing that my value is innate, and has existed by virtue of my personhood from the moment I was born and will continue to exist after each and every setback. Getting to that point, allowing my value to just be, independently of anything I might achieve, is going to require going just a step beyond my comfort zone. I have some growing to do before I can stretch and snatch up the crown I’ve been forging for myself because it’s absolutely true that today’s Nadia is the biggest bully standing in the way of the Nadia of tomorrow and of ten years from now getting to where she needs to be.
One of the ways I want to stretch is by becoming more shameless with my voice. I want to take this space somewhere greater than my own head, I want to use my voice to speak power into who I’m becoming. Recalling Baldwin, my crown has already been bought and paid for, I don’t owe anyone anything to become who I’m trying to be. The person I want to become isn’t quiet at all, she’s bold and she’s well heard. Maybe she’ll even tell some people she’s been writing in this space for several months.
