For the Love of Smelling Roses
“We are doomed to aspire for the rest of our lives…As soon as you level up, you greet how infinite the possibilities are, and it all becomes too awful to live without.”
I read that in a NYT profile about Gwyneth Paltrow and all of her Goop-y glory, and I think it’s true. All year, I desperately wanted a good internship, I cried over finding that good internship, drove everyone around me nearly insane trying to find that good internship. Then I got it, but I only felt relief (probably from freeing myself from the constant tears) rather than the unbounded fulfillment I’d expected to find.
Now, eight weeks into that internship, I’ve already moved on to worrying, strategizing, and worrying again about my next job. Where am I going to be working and living this time next year? To hell with the internship I antagonized over, where’s my next big thing going to come from?
Despite the pretty irrational worrying, I can still muster a reflective thought every once in a while. In one such rare moment, I realized that wherever I go, there I am, so I might as well enjoy that moment. I need to learn how to find the joy in every single moment, every single sixty second minute because how the hell else am I ever going to like my life, or at least quit the stressing that totally overruns my thoughts. Because the truth is, there will always without a doubt be something dire to worry myself sick over. In that way, I’m doomed and without hope. The hopeful truth is, though, that my life is damn great. I love the way I live. I have successfully worried myself into some great situations, if only I could take the moment’s pause to appreciate them.
But even after writing that last sentence, I can recognize it’s not completely true (another reflective moment – two in one day?!). This internship, for example, seemed to fall out of the blue. A chance conversation between my mom and one of her co-workers brought the company I’m working for, and coincidentally love, into view. No amount of research or agony could’ve brought this opportunity into focus. Sure, I stressed so much over the application and several rounds of interviews that landed me this gig, but in the end, that conversation my mom had would’ve happened regardless of all of my madness.
So, it’s something to think about.
Q: If the frantic state I’m so wonderful at working myself into does produce some (maybe) results, are those results worth the total frustration I carry with me through every single day?
A: No, probably not. And I recognize that and I’m working on it, but I’m still stressed as hell about that full-time job offer I don’t have yet and that’s probably not going to change. But I am aware of it, and that's what matters (hopefully) for the time being.
