I just had lunch with one of my dearest and oldest friends, and I word vomited all over her about a lot of the crap (the most appropriate word I can come up with) I’ve waded through this first semester of adult life. She’s known me and my context since before I knew how to spell my name (really) and has truly been one of the most influential people in my life. I am who I am because, up until shipping off to college, we were together for nearly all of the days that we consciously knew ourselves. Having her in front of me again triggered a response, a re-settling into authenticity, I can only credit to feeling like my world is totally safe with and belongs with hers. Despite the handful who have not, she’s one of the plenty and plenty and plenty of folks who has seen me completely and still advocates for me out loud. In backing our friendship, I’m backing myself.
2019 was a doozy, and in the modes of go where you’re celebrated and invest in the spaces that invest in you, I feel called upon to make a change. A lot of my energy went to environments and situations filled with people who quietly love me and partially acknowledge me, admittedly in the hope that the example of my dedication would inspire their’s. And this didn’t come from a place of “I’m desperate for your approval,” it was more a desire for “let’s all negotiate in the currency of human decency” as a baseline for personal interactions. Not too much to ask, I thought.
So, I’m going to try something new (in an effort to stave off insanity) and it’s probably going take something short of a lifetime to get right, but I’m determined to really, truly, fully, and completely show up for myself (it’s all about the simple - and sometimes difficult to execute – things). I’m dedicating my energy to those people, places, and things that acknowledge, accept, and love me out loud. Those people, places, and things with which I feel acknowledged, accepted, and loved enough to live out loud with.
And so, with all of that said, I’m writing this as a sort of toast to my (and your) 2020. Here’s to hoarding the energy usually siphoned off to those who love you quietly, and instead completely and wholeheartedly loving those who see you and celebrate you in return. Communing with my friend reminded me that I have more of those folks than I often remember. In backing them I’m backing myself, and there’s a lot more beauty and celebration and happy truths to live out with them as we slide into these Roaring Twenties, our best decade yet.
