No day feels like payday when you’re on a first-year-out-of-college-holy-crap-I-need-renters-insurance-?-budget. This is top of mind because yesterday was payday, my third payday, and I felt nothing. Probably because payday means rent is due in a few days, along with all the other bills that eat away at my Chloe purse aspirations. The small black faux croc one that I just know would solve all my problems.
My mom’s greatest adage to the “wants versus needs” conversation I think everyone gets growing up is that, naturally, there’ll always be something to want. A different Chloe bag, let’s say, or even a new color added to the Le Creuset Dutch oven range (already at the top of my Christmas list, because I’m a big girl who’s planning on cooking some great braises and stews this winter). And it’s true, there’s a lot that I want but how do you stop wanting? And how do you reconcile that even though I’m making money, I’m not exactly making totally glo’d up Nadia levels of money yet. Everything on ShopBop still alludes me and my checking account.
Growing up is hard to do already but coming to terms with how far out the milestones I thought were just on the other side of graduation actually are is like alarming. Obviously, I duped myself. The world is big and wide, remember? And we’re just now stepping over the threshold into that Big and Wide, so why would I think my small black faux croc bag would be waiting for me on the doorstep?
In my three months of post-grad experience I think I’ve determined that everyone’s just winging it. The world will always be big and wide and hopefully we just manage to wander, however straight or meandering the path may be, to our small circle that can expand and contract however we need it to, to grow with us however necessary.
Right now, that path looks like actually caring for my apartment, cooking for myself every night, and writing here. All three have allowed me to be my own type of creative, an outlet I desperately need in the hours I’m not at work. Admittedly, though, I’m writing this at work because I weirdly don’t have anything to do this morning. I could be missing something, but if the time presents itself, as it has right here right now, I’ll take it. To creativity and always wanting something more, however that may show up.